i've not blogged in a while..

well i have, on tumblr. not on this.
tumblr seems a little too open to blog this though, and i just need to get it off my chest.

summer? worst summer ever.

there's always gonna be something missing, no matter how much i drink or how many guys/girls i pull.
something's always gonna be missing.
1. So, my mum kicked me out.. i seen it coming i suppose, i'm hardly a golden child. so i have until the end of the month to turn things around or find some place else to stay.

2. my 'new' sister, Roisin. 24. she contacted me a few months ago telling me we had the same dad. i've never met my dad, not that i remember anyway.. so it was pretty comforting. comforting to know that as soon as she found out about me, she got in contact. yes, found out. no one told her. someone slipped up in drunken conversation then tried to hide it, like i'm a 17 year old secret. but she got in contact with me and everything was great. until today. She stays in lancaster, her mum's english. but she was working up here this weekend and we arranged to meet for some coffee in town. guess not. i don't know why i felt so let down, it just kinda hurt knowing that we'd been planning this for a few weeks and she told me she couldn't around 20 mins before i was leaving for a train. i text her some nasty things which i have now come to regret, but i cant let her know.
i don't like showing people how much i care, because it only destroys you in the end.

3. my mum. there's been an on going problem with us for a few weeks now, tension in the house and such.. so i've tried to stay clear of her. in doing so, i think i've made it worse. instead of sitting down and talking about things, i've stayed out for days on end binging and what have you. today she was crying. mothers aren't supposed to do that. they're supposed to always be there for you, and always keep strong no matter what happens. and my mum always has, until today. so i know something's wrong. really really wrong. she quit her job today also, just walked out. i don't know why she did it. she just cried, and i didn't even hesitate to comfort her, but she told me to leave her alone. so now i'm in my sisters. i'm genuinely worried. and scared. no. pertrified perhaps. see, my family has a history of depression.. my gran, my mum, my sister and me. depression makes you do silly things. i was at the shallow end of this, 'psychotic depression' they called it. being told you're a psycho and you're depressed in the same sentence? it hurt. i'll admit. but my mum. she's not as strong as most think she is. no mother is as strong as people think they are. she won't reply to my text and i'm scared to go home. she seemed a little crazy, crazy enough to do something silly, and i just walked out.

for the second time, i've deleted all of my posts.

but i've decided not to delete them again!
not that they were even interesting to start with but screw it!

"anger, jealousy,bitterness, tiredness, hope, love, lust - it's conceptual, you just cant see it"

and that's how i'm feeling today. i'm angry, jealous, bitter, tired, hopeful and lustful. trying to keep the 'love' part to a minimum for now though. Usually - i'm not an angry person. nor jealous, nor bitter - but i can't help it today. since last night i've not stopped thinking about it - was it all worth it and is it still worth it? is she still worth it?

maybe i'm just paranoid. but it's making me feel like a control freak and honestly? it's driving me INSANE.

Nothing unusual, nothing strange
Close to nothing at all
The same old scenario, the same old rain
And there's no explosions here
Then something unusual, something strange
Comes from nothing at all
I saw a spaceship fly by your window
Did you see it disappear?

ugrhghghghg - te quiero.